you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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