Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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