I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
