college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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