Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
