people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
