if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
