nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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