i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
