The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
