im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
