I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
