You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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