Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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