JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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