He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
