I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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