My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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