he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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