No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
