no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
