i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
