I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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