My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
