Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
