Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
