and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
