Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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