Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
