Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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