If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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