sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
my liver is dry heaving
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize