got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
