fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So apparently I’m into choking now
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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