I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
