dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
