i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize