....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize