woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
