I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
