Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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