I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
