Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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