I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
