why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize