Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
