i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish I only lived at night.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
