You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
