I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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