Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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