I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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