So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
