did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
