my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
