Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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