there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
