I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
