I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
