I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
