I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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