Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
