I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
