mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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