Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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